3 songs of sobriety

I am not a big fan of big book thumping AA members that are off to save the world. I am even less of a fan of celebrities that go out and carry AA hints and then they go off on some heroin binge that makes the recovery program look silly.

One of the traditions of AA is that we shall always remain anonymous at all levels of press, film and radio. Basically we don't need a celebrity endorsement. More because we don't need the celebrity to fail and then have the groups in general get a bad wrap.

This is why you won't find any articles or news stories of Mike Tyson's 3 years of sobriety. Or Brett Favre's 20 years. Or Alice Cooper's 30 years. Or Ozzy Osbourne's 25 years. It is not beneficial, because for every one of them there is a Lindsey Lohan that pimps herself for the good of only her.

But there has been great music that has come from people that have recovered that is very touching to this guy.

I know what I was and what I am. A lot of people do not know the depths of my addiction and alcoholism. It has taken 3 years to finally say the word addict when describing what I was and what I am. I never tried a mind altering substance that i disagreed with. I had my choice of product, but to say no was ludicrous.

I have 3 particular songs. The first is Stevie Ray Vaughn's Life by the Drop. This was the first song he recorded, and the only acoustic studio recording of his career, after he emerged from rehab. He had a bad a cocaine habit and like to drink. The riffs and the lyrics to this song just have a pain and suffering that you cannot fake. You cannot fake the aching that he sings. Running into those friends that you toasted 'to the end' and they are still going that route, and you are not. It is depressing when you run into these people. Like watching a loved one die...slowly...without their knowledge.

The next song is The High Cost of Living by Jamey Johnson. This song just explains the last few days...weeks...months of my party. 3 days straight was no big feet to get by on no food or sleep and crazy was becoming my new norm. I couldn't even tell i was alive. What is funny is how he talks about when god turned his back on him, and I can remember sitting there thinking why did he turn his back on me. What did I do wrong to earn this. Of course with my back up against that damn 8 ball I didn't have to think or talk or feel. I just never had the whore or the cops. But there was a bunch of yets that never came around.

The most powerful song that I have found about this topic is Social Distortion's Ball and Chain. I for years thought this song was about the daily grind of work and no play. Not about Heroin addiction.

Well it's been ten years and a thousand tears
And look at the mess I'm in
A broken nose and a broken heart,
An empty bottle of gin
Well I sit and I pray
In my broken down Chevrolet
While I'm singin' to myself
There's got to be another way

This opening is just another woe is me life is tough kind of lyric. I cannot remember how many times when there was nothing left to alter my conscience thinking and praying that there had to be a better way. Everything is fine. Broken nose and broken car are normal problems that I will overcome...


[Chorus:]
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
Well I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away
Take away this ball and chain

The next verse opens up the emotions in my Psyche.

Well I've searched and I've searched
To find the perfect life
A brand new car and a brand new suit
I even got me a little wife
But wherever I have gone
I was sure to find myself there
You can run all your life
But not go anywhere

This hits home. No matter how much I ran from my problems. No matter how hard I worked to show everyone that I was better than them. No matter the new car, home, clothes or job. I was always there. I was always there to bring me back to where i belong. I can run all my life and not go anywhere. I ran all of my life. Ran from here to there and never got anywhere. I never got anywhere until I stood still and let it all hit me.

[Chorus:]
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
Well I'm sick and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away
Take away this ball and chain

The chorus by now usually has me tearing up...

Well I'll pass the bar on the way
To my dingy hotel room
I spent all my money
I've been drinkin' since half past noon
Well I'll wake there in the mornin'
Or maybe in the county jail
Times are hard getting harder
I'm born to lose and destined to fail

In every addict alcoholics mind there is a time when you just give up. some get into recovery, some just quit life. After all it keeps getting harder and we are destined to fail. I love this song. I can listen to it over and over again. The lead singer wrote this after about 6 band members came and went and the band almost dissolved on new years eve one year when his addiction just made the show unbearable.These guys have been rocking for almost 30 years. I am 1 year older than them, and I am still mad that it took me 28 years to find them...

Well that was a waste of a perfectly good week and a half

Seriously, that was a really long 11 days. I do not recomend it to anyone. I honestly cannot believe it is Thursday the 23 of July. At least a lot did not happen. No clebebrity deaths. No crazy plane crashes. Just boring July dog days of summer. I guess if you are going to ride a fever this is a good time of year to do that for 7 of those 11 days.

I have this headache, and I am pretty sure it is becuse my mind was slow roasting in the crock pot that is my head. I kept it simmering at 102-105 constantly, but without stirring it only has caused small amounts of painful headaches around my head. I just cannot get rid of it.

I also feel like I have the strength of 4 three year old girls. I am looking forward to climbimhg back into the gym this monday. I did lose a little weight since I really did not eat for about a week.

My doctor blames the Lamictal, so I can no longer take that. I am now going to take Abilify. Hopefully this works out a little better. I was enjoying the stabilizing power of Lamictal, and have been told that Abilify will do the same.

I am tired now, I have only the strength of 3 three year old girls now.

I have a fever of 102.2

That is all.

I think I have the flu.

I had the worst personal experience with something that I am calling the flu last night. I awoke at 230 and I was cold. Creepy ice water cold. Cold like naked in the snow cold. I could barely walk and was almost to the point of convulsing. I was shaking so bad and my teeth were chattering at a million miles an hour. I grapped a couple of blankets and tried to go back to sleep and awok again 5 minutes later. This was the coldest I have ever been.

I woke up this morning and to my suprise I was no longer cold but instead I was drenched in sweat and ached everywhere. At first I thought maybe it was the medication I was on, and I even called the doctor to let him know and to see if these were side effects. They are not.

So now I am watching Rescue Me. By far one of the 2 best shows on TV. The other being Burn Notice. I am tired and worn out now from typing.

It is like Christmas Eve for this guy

The new NCAA 2010 video game is coming out in about 7 hours and 51 minutes and this guy cannot wait for his reserved copy. I guess I just caught that gaming gap generation. I am not a big first person shooter kind of gamer, but when it comes to college football...i have a bit of an obsession, much to my wife's dismay. She will see me sometime in early September when it is time for real football to start, but until then I will be present...just not here.

La Quinta and hair

So I am now sitting here at the La Quinta. I am sitting here while everyone else is frantically trying to finish this sample exercise. The exercise is to build a complete house estimate with the parameters that he has given us. He started it at 1015 and gave us until 130 to finish. I finished at 1045. I am not saying that I am the smartest person in the room...but...

My hair has come up in comments. I have this white guy afro now and I love it. Ashley, my wife, absolutely hates this hair and my friend Steve says it makes me look like a fat girl. These comments do not fade me. I got my haircut last on the Friday before J.D. Townsend's wedding to his Polish wife. I was fired from Lawrence Marshall the next week because of declining sales after Hurricane Ike...yep...declining sales after a natural disaster.

I then went into business for myself as a roofer. Mike, my business partner, and I had a bet, that I won, on who would cut their hair first. I also grew a beard. I truly looked like a hobo by January. But like an NHL playoff particpant from the 1970's it became a status of luck and we have had our fair share of good fortune since I last cut my hair. So until I am disqualified from my Stanley Cup playoffs of sort...the hair will continue to grow.

My wonderful locks are now a source of great discussion everytime that I see someone that I have not seen for some time. Like my sister Bridgett that seems to be a bit in shock over it. The damn stuff is so curly that it stands on it's own.

The La Quinta Dilemna

I am at this La Quinta conference room learning the ins and outs of the computer program that is used in insurance adjusting. There are roughly 50 people in a room that could easily accomodate 25. We all have these wonderful tables that we are sitting at that are all of 18 inches wide and maybe 5 feet in length. Of course 3 of us sit at each table and we all have to have a laptop open and on.

This was a bigger adventure yesterday morning as the hotel was full of teenage girls and their hairdryers. The power kept tripping.

I seem to be the smartest person in the room. There are a lot of extremely dumb people that have taken and passed the Texas adjusters license test and are now taking the software side. These people all think they are going out there and just getting a job and everything will be fine and dandy. I am sure a few will, but like my class, I can only envision about 5-10 of these people being able to pull this off. How is the 250 lb fat lady in the back of the room that chain smokes on every break really going to get up and inspect and sketch a 2 story roof? How is the 80 year old man with the cane going to do the same? Half of the room cannot turn on their computer and they are going to be expected to work from those darn nagged contraptions?

I am able to blog right now because I finished the sample work he just assigned us 30 minutes before the next guy will.

I am not being conceited, people are just not that smart at this particular La Quinta...maybe at a different La Quinta people are smarter. Have you ever felt that you are at the wrong La Quinta?

I am a blogger, a unique individual that has internet access and time on his hand. You are not as special as I am.

I am going to blog now. I guess it could be the whole, "It is 1:15 in the morning and I have to be in a training class in 6 hours and I cannot sleep because I am on some medication that has made my sleeping habits, to say the least, bizarre."

I don't know what to type. I do think that this is needed since my doctor, my head doctor, has told me to write down my daily feelings and keep a record to see if my medication is working. I am what they call, bipolar 2. Not quite as crazy as bipolar 1. Funny thing about bipolar disorder...

See people keep telling me that this is a disease, and in my heart of hearts I want to believe it. I have to get over the blame game on this. I don't want to blame this on my behavior in the past, and that keeps me from accepting there is something wrong or broke or wired incorrectly in my head. I have to accept this is not an excuse, but a reason for my behaviors.

See, when you are bipolar...sorry...when you have bipolar disorder there seems to be a stigma attached to it. The stigma starts with the fact that I said when you are bipolar. See, it is bipolar disorder, but yet people say the following, "John is bipolar." If John had say, cancer, one would not say, "John is cancer". That is the first thing that I have to overcome. This is all in my mind. I have told a few people about this and each one is so compassionate about this. I am truly mindf***ing myself.

Enough about that for now, though I am sure that it will bring much content to this...this...this...blog thing.

Just to add on to the bp thing one more time, I also am a recovering alcoholic and addict. YEAH!!! More of that to come as well.

I am going to press the public post now and see how this turns out. I hope someone reads this.